Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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