THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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