Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
