please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
