this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
