Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
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I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i think my cat just said my name.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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