New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
