Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
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He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
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The uberlube is also flammable
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Sorry about my life...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.