One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
