i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
