It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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