im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
pray to the hookup gods
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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