shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
