It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
