I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
