There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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