you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
