Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
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It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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