I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
