If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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