People in love make me want to vomit
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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