did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
