I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
