i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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