Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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