in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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