The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
