I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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