I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
