Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
