Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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