God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You pole danced in your parka.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
