I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
