im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
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And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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