watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
