i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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