You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
