also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i was born a porn star she said
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
