I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
