The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
