im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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