my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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