if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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