3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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