is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
