That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
