Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
