apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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