my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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