Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.