No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
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He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.