Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.