Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
