it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
