Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
