I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
