My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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