just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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