Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dignity is for republicans.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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