I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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